No Place


One  day  soon I  hope  I  finally  reach  this  place, My  life  was  torn  apart along  with  my  body when I was  diagnosed and  it  hasn’t  been  the  same  since. Going  from an  avid  hiker to  barely  walking has  taken  its  toll, not  only on  my  body  but  my  spirit.

My  dreams  before  this  were  to  take  off  work  for  6  months and  hike the appalachian trail.  I  wanted  to  find  myself again..I wanted  to  be  free..I wanted  to see exactly  what I  was  made  of..I  wanted  to  leave a  story  of  my  life that  my  children  could  tell my grand  children .. I  know..I know.. it  seems  like  I am  self  absorbed and  perhaps  I was. It  was  just  something I  needed. Then  the  cancer  happened and those dreams  faded  with  the  realization that my  life  was  different.

Two  weeks ago  I  ended  back in the  hospital.  it  was a  plethora of  things.  My COPD  had  flared  up  a  few  weeks  before  and  had  developed  into  and  infection and Pneumonia.  They  sent  me  home  that  night with  meds, 2  days  later  I was  being  rushed  into  the  ER,  the  infection  and  Pneumonia had  worsened and  had  caused  me  to  develop a  pulmonary embolism. They admitted  me  and  did  what  Dr’s  do, a  day  later I was  feeling  better, not  well enough  to  leave..but  better.  The  worst was  over..or  so I thought. My  roommate was  in for  basically  the  same  thing only  his  was a  bit  worse, stints  were  going  to  have  to  be  put  in.  They  took  him  down,  put the  stints  in and brought  him  back.. the  worst  was  over  for  him..or  so  we  thought.

About  30 minutes  later he  called  out and  said he  needed  help.  I  must  admit  that  I  got  up  reluctantly but  I  got  up and  looked  over.  his  sheets  were  covered  in  blood. I could  see that  he had  burst  his  femoral artery,his  life  spewing out  of  him. I  hit  the nurses  button but  knew they  weren’t  going  to  realize exactly how  bad he  needed  them. I  ripped  the  oxygen  mask  off,  ripped  the  Iv’s off. ripped  the  heart  monitor off and  took off down  the  hall.  When  I got  to  the first nurses  station the  only one there was  a  student  nurse, but  she  took  off  back  to  the  room.  I  got there  a  few  seconds  later and  looked at  her,  I  could  tell by  the  look  in her  eyes  it  was  bad. She  screamed and  told  me go  get  help. Off  I  went back  down  the  opposite  hall to  the  wings  main  nurses  station. About  half  way  there I  could  feel my  lungs  sinking  into my  chest.. I  knew  it  wasn’t  good. I  managed  to  scream  loud  enough to  get  the  nurses  attention and  told  them  that  room  902  was  bleeding  out. Instantly  they  were  down  the  hall flying  past  me …now  I  had  to  get  back.

I  turned around  and  within a  few  steps came  to  the  realization that  perhaps I  had  made  a  huge mistake. I  could not  get  a  breath  in no  mater  how  hard  I  tried,  my  head  was  spinning.. I was  done  for. But I  remembered something… Roxi was  on  the  other  end  of  the  phone  when  all  this  happened..I was  getting  back  to  her. I  managed  to  get  back and  then  dropped  on the  floor..the  last thing  I  remember seeing  that  night was  my computer  open  and  thinking she  was  hearing the  whole  thing. My  oxygen level had  dropped  to  63 and  I was going  into hypoxia.. then  everything went  black.

Now I  am  sure  everyone has  heard  the  stories of  what  people  experience ,  I  had  heard them  too, but to  be  honest,  I didn’t  believe  them…until  then.
Everything  had  went  black, then  bright  white,  flickering  back  and  forth between the  two.  Slowly  at  first,then  speeding  up faster  and  faster. Then  it  stopped  again  and  I  began  to  see a kaleidoscope of  my  life. Every  person I  had  ever  met. I  saw  my pops, saw  my  mom, my children and  my  siblings.  Then  it  stopped  again and  I was  looking at Richard ( my  roommate ) it  was  so clear I  could  see  everything, then I saw  myself and saw my  computer  open…

I  woke  up in the  ICU unit wondering  what  the  hell  had  just  happened, Those  memories now  etched into  my  very  soul… leaving  me questions  I  don’t think  I will  ever  be  able  to  answer…. I just  want  to  get to my  No Place.
8f8 – No Place of Ours – Autumnal @ Decor(c)rate
[ keke ] still falling rowan arch @ Decor(c)rate
[ keke ] blow me away rowan leaves @ Decor(c)rate
[ keke ] still falling rowan leafs groundcover @ Decor(c)rate
LB_MysticBoardLeaf.v1{4Seasons} @ TLC
LB_MysticBoardLeaf.v2{4Seasons} @ TLC
02_8f8 – La Petite Joie Cafe – Delivery Tricycle RARE
8f8 – 04. Our Secret Hideout – Meadow Tree
07 – 8f8 – Storyteller’s Burrow – Direction Post
09_8f8 – New Beginnings – Wheels
11_8f8 – New Beginnings – Garden Bench



5 thoughts on “No Place

  1. I wouldn’t call your Appalachian trail dreams greedy we all have life dreams and desires we wish to experience. I don’t know you at all but from the brief glimpses of what you chose to share with your photography it seems to me you did not make a mistake . You made the only choice you could at the time, you acted instead of watching some one die. I hope you heal well and find ways to feel your heart sing.

  2. Pingback: No Place | 亗 Second Life Home & Deco...

  3. Rest, and take it easy. I’m hoping for a bright sunny day for you. It may not be the Appalachian trail, but sunsets and sunrises can be beautiful–even in your own back yard. Take care and be kind to your self.

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